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Why I have been gone! – copied from Multiply

Why I have been gone! Jan 21, ’11 2:30 PM
for everyone
If you are on my Prodigy group you are getting this twice! 

This is long, pitiful, and depressing as all get out, so skip if you don’t want to hear about it.  I would highly recommend the skipping part but this is the first time I have actually written this crap down so I figured I would post it.  Still hoping things will start feeling better but also not holding my breath at this point cus not really all that much has changed.

 I have been basically out of life myself for the last two years.  Caitlin got kicked out by her husband at the end of 2008, I think.  She moved in here with Skyler and her dog Madison.  She would move in with her boyfriend at various times but they would break up again and she would be back.  Then in Sept. of 2009, she had Landon Joseph.  So now the boys were in the spare room off my kitchen, and Caitlin slept on a futon in the living room.  My life became getting up, going to work, coming home and going to my room for the rest of the day.  I lived in that room for over a year.  I couldn’t stand the noise, the terrible mess, the crying and screaming, etc.  And if I ventured downstairs, that meant that Caitlin would just disappear for however long. Go outside to smoke or talk on the phone, instant babysitter all the time.  So I didn’t come down much, had food and water up in the room with me.  My depression got so bad that all I could do was read.  Finally, Scott told Caitlin at the beginning of Dec. 2010 that she had 6 weeks to find somewhere else to live.  She moved out that very week.  She is staying with a friend of her boyfriend’s cousin.  I have only seen the boys 3 times since she moved out.  And I actually had fun with them, since I could be Grandma instead of babysitter and disciplinary person.

Also in August of last year, my job got super stressful too.  The Pick N Saves have changed the way the set team, my job, has to do things now.  Every week, Roundys sends down planagrams that have new items on them and items that are being discontinued.  My job is to pull off the discontinued items and cut in and tag the new items.  Under the old way, that was simple even if they sent down 20 different sections of the store to do.  NOW the two stores I have, are on the automatic ordering system which means whatever goes through the registers is what is ordered.  No person does the ordering in the store anymore.  What that means for my job, is NOW those Planagrams have to be 100% the way they are shown on the plan.  Example last week – 20 different plans dropped from Roundys. Wholesome snacks ( granola bars, poptarts, etc) had 15 new items to be put in and I think 13 discontinued. The only problem was they moved stuff from one 4 foot section down 2 sections into another section.  They also moved stuff from one shelf to a different shelf.  With the new program that means we have to RESET the whole 32 foot section so it is exactly like on the new plan.  That plan took 2 people 5 1/2 hours to do. The other plan we did that day was ready to eat cereal which I believe is 48 feet long.  Again, they shifted every item down the row or moved it.  That plan took 3 hours cus shifting doesn’t take as long. So out of the 20 plans, we managed to do 2.

Between Caitlin and the kids, the new stress in my job, I was having a hard time even getting up in the morning.  I did, of course, because it is just what I am suppose to do but I was literally praying every day that I would just not wake up for some strange reason and it would all be over.  YES I am still taking all my anti depressants but they can only do so much.  My weight loss went out the window. I could see no reason to go workout nor did I have the energy.  My liver messed up for a while and I had multiple blood work done until we got my Liptior right again.  And now, I have high blood pressure.  It was going in the range of 175/100 but now with my new meds it is more like 127/85.  When I was on vacation, which is when my Dr. checked it last, it was 102/78 which she loved.  She had to double my meds to get that reading!!  I haven’t had the heart to call and tell her since I have gone back to work again that it is running higher again because it isn’t crazy high like it was. 

I still feel like why bother doing anything so my depression is still being a beast.  But I have moved my stitching back into the living room and have started at that again.  I have only been able to MAKE myself workout 3 times so far this year.  No motivation to do anything. My life is still basically sleep, work, home, cook, sleep.  Everything I do is because it is what I am suppose to do and I am super responsible therefore I will do it. 

Scott is working 7 days a week, 12 to 16 hours a day.  When he is home, he sits down and falls asleep in his chair.  I don’t think he even realizes that I am still not ‘ok’ per say.  He doesn’t have time to notice.  I actually feel like I am single and living alone for the last few years, except for Caitlin and the kids being here for the last 2 years.  He made a comment to me a few days ago that this last summer was the best summer he can remember us ever having.  I was miserable and he never even noticed.  We went camping up by my brothers and we did this wine tour thing on the bike.  The wine part was fun.  The only upside I saw to it was we were away from Caitlin and the kids.    He bought a new bike a Harley.  He went to several concerts with his friends.  He went hunting with his friends.  I did go see Bon Jovi with Caitlin but it was last minute because I actually had enough money on my paycheck.  I didn’t have enough money with me for the parking  ($30 instead of the $5 – 10 I thought it would be) so was stressed to the max until Scott transferred money into my account.  Even that didn’t go well, though the concert was awesome as I knew it would be.  But I heard about the wasted money for weeks afterward.   Scott has made me add to my work schedule so I am working 4 to 5 days a week instead of 2 to 3.  He also hasn’t let me use the gas card anymore so the groceries and my gas have to come out of my check now. 

So even though things are a lot better without Caitlin and the kids here, I really haven’t started feeling all that much better yet.  I am patiently waiting for the feeling better to start though.  It must be a little bit better because I haven’t been able to say any of this to anyone before now.  And I am not bawling my eyes out so I will be able to stitch when I hit send on this!

See told you, you didn’t want to read about my life!  LOL! Sort of!

windrosemystic
windrosemystic wrote on Jan 21, ’11, edited on Jan 21, ’11
I fight depression too so I understand where you are coming from. And I have learned the husbands are oblivious creatures they notice nothing unless you say something to them.

I am praying for you!!!

rosanneduk
rosanneduk wrote on Jan 21, ’11
Why didn’t you tell me???? I have it too but for me this last years has proves a sea change in my attitude towards my depression. Fighting it is a waste of precious energy but sitting back and waiting is a waste of time. There are ways forward, promise!

trishf2382
trishf2382 wrote on Jan 22, ’11
Big hugs to you. I get depressed sometimes and that’s bad enough so I can imagine what you are going through. Feel free to unload on me anytime! And get that stitching mojo going again – it really does help!
Cheers, Trish

ebberlykay
ebberlykay wrote on Jan 22, ’11
I really dont know what to say Chele except that I wish I could come out to you and give you a hug. Hang in there. Take one day at a time. Try and plan your day and dont forget to include some time for you, even if its only 10 minutes and whatever else, dont forget thatr we’re your friends and we’re here for you whenever you want. Hugs ……….

rocalisa
rocalisa wrote on Jan 22, ’11
Oh my dear, I knew it had been tough, but I didn’t know it had been that bad.

As another in the depression club, I really, really hope you start feeling better soon. I wish I had lots of wise advice, but instead I’ll just have to send you lots of love and support.

xsfav14
xsfav14 wrote on Jan 23, ’11
Thanks everyone for the hugs and the support! I guess things are looking up since I have been stitching for two weeks now.

This morning I had planned on stitching after the dog routines were done but wound up going through Scott’s two huge piles of mess. I filed every paid bill, his Kraft/Nestle stuff, opened up two years of his paychecks – put them in order and filed them too. Now the cabinet and his side of the table are cleaned off for the first time in two years!! Then I sat down and stitched for about 6 or 7 hours, didn’t really keep track! Will have quite the update tomorrow evening!

Now, I just need to get my exercise and eating back on track. The eating tends to be junk food snacks when I feel funky but my main meals are all Clean Eating – proteins and a few healthy carbs, etc. It will happen – just need to find another boot around here to use to get me moving on those things too!

gothtigger
gothtigger wrote on Jan 24, ’11
Chele, I haven’t replied here before because I just didn’t know what to say. Apart from wanting to do physical damage to Scott. How can he not see what’s in front of him???

Anyway I’m so glad that you are reaching out to your friends, that you are eating well, stitching again and getting your life back on track. Please keep chatting with us and letting us know how you are, even on the down days.

As you can see depression is an issue for many of us and sometimes talking about it does help …

swisswitch
swisswitch wrote on Jan 26, ’11
I’m kinda thinking like Mel – Scott has done you so much harm over the years it’s not even funny! You are so disciplined and correct you take all the garbage and rarely complain. Maybe you should be as assertive as he was when he ordered Caitlin to find another place? I can’t imagine how hard this would be, but I’m quite sure if he didn’t get to use your money as well as his own you might be able to live on your own – with his work schedule it certainly sounds like you already do that for the most part.

BUT – I’m SO glad you found your stitching mojo back! That alone deserves a great applause, because if you have the time to pick up needle and thread you will find balance again.

Hugs and bon courage!

squeakandme
squeakandme wrote on Jan 28, ’11
I can sympathize with the hubby troubles. Mine is a selfish, tightfisted, lazy, soulless ass. I understand about being out of touch with life too. I can’t offer any sound advice. I haven’t figured out how to make myself care about living yet either, but I will keep my fingers crossed for you.
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About xsfav14 - Chele

Married to Scott for 20 years. Have 3 kids between us - Jami, Kenny and Caitlin. Have 5 Grand children - will be 6 in about 4 months - Jade Elizabeth and Jacob Matthew both 13, Skyler Ryan - 5, Landon Joseph who will be 4 in September, and Kyla who is 10 months. We also have a dog named Madison. I mainly cross stitch as my hobby but I also read Paranormal Romance books!

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